Thursday, June 15, 2017

Suck It Up Buttercup

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Self-sulking seems to have become the new fad with millennials. One blaming all of one's problems on everyone but themselves is just too easy and is the path more commonly traveled. Many of us moan on about how much our lives suck, and that's because they do. We cry about how the whole weight of the world rests on our shoulders, obviously because it does. Even more so, we sigh because we feel like we deserve way more than what we are currently getting out of life, and that is because we do.

Well I'm here to break it to you, all of these things are because of you. Your life sucks, because of you. The weight of the world is on your shoulders, because you put it there. You deserve more in life that what you currently have, but you put yourself in this position.

One of America's most pristine author's Jordan Belfort once said," The only thing standing between you and your goal is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself as to why you can't achieve it." 

If that quote makes you butthurt, then chances are, it's because it's true and if you're offended, then click off of my blog, because shit is about to get real!

You're crappy attitude towards life has brought you right to where you are- drowning in your own self-misery and self-pity. Only you have allowed yourself to use the negatives in life to self-propel yourself down a steep slope. By letting the negative things win, you have allowed negativity to control your life and bring you to rock-bottom misery.

All of this is no one's fault but your own. And yes, even I too, have been there and sometimes I can still find myself there.

I felt I would never move out of a small one-horse town, that I'd always be stuck there. I just knew I'd never have a job I enjoyed or a spouse that shared my ambitions. I would just always be stuck in this same old routine of life- unhappy and bored.

I felt that way for a long time until someone told me that I needed to stop making excuses for myself. At first I was highly offended because how could they possibly know what my life was like, they didn't understand that I had bills to pay and a husband to tend to and that it was just impossible to pick up my life and move. However, I spent some time thinking, a lot of time, more than I even care to admit to. Finally, I did realize I was the only holding myself back from everything I wanted. Human-tendency is to take the easy street and avoid bumps but, in doing this it really just slams you right into the biggest bump of your life that makes you think there is no way out.

You find yourself afraid of becoming frustrated, you find yourself backing down because its too stressful. Well it's bullshit, all of it, complete utter bullshit. Time for you to suck it up buttercup and do something about it!

Don't be afraid to get lost. Don't be afraid to meet new people. Don't be afraid to look for a new job that is more fulfilling. Don't be afraid to find someone who wants more with you. Don't be afraid to pick up your life and change it for the better. Fear is what causes us all to fail.

You can say, "I saved up several times to take a trip to Europe but things kept coming up. My car broke down, I accrued some medical bills and I had to fix my hot water heater in my house." Sounds reasonable right? Of course! Life is full of "ifs" we have no idea what is going to happen on any given time and day. Continuing to focus on the negative will only make this worse. 

You will never be happy in your life if you continue to associate yourself with negative things and negative people that suck the ever-living life out of you. "You are your own worst enemy," as my mother always use to say.

Plain and simple: Stop criticizing others and take a look at your own life. What can you do to make your life better?

Changing takes time and small steps. It's not something that you can expect to happen overnight. No one, including life does not owe you anything. You can't expect to go buy a lottery ticket and to win millions because you were optimistic about it. You can't expect to have a good job if all you do is attempt to put in an application with no real effort behind it. You can't expect to wake up in a beautiful house if you don't work for it.

Half-assing things in life will get you nowhere, hard work is required. To some just saying "work your ass off" is unappealing but it's the truth. Working your ass of is what gives your life meaning, purpose and fulfillment. When you are working your ass off, then you are working towards something- no dead ends come from working your hiney off.

Self-belief will be the biggest thing you every accomplish as far as your personality goes. No one will believe you can do anything until you can believe you can do and you actually do it. It's a lot of do's but it works. 

Everyone around you can want the best for you, but no one and I mean no one can make things better for you. You have to stop doing things that don't make you happy, stop blaming your problems and woes of life on other people and the sake of us all, stop thinking you are entitled to anything life has to offer!

If you want your life to be happy and fulfilling, then start living like it. Even if you start with just one thing, start today by doing positive in the direction of where you want to go. Don't stop until you get to where you want to be, and once you get there, go farther. My self proclaimed saying is," The sky is my limit, and the only reason the sky limits me is because I have no desire to be an astronaut."

Sunday, May 7, 2017

It's a Hard-Knock Life

Confidence can get you far. Sometimes though, confidence only goes skin deep. We all have positive and negative things in our lives. Some we wished for and others we were given by life itself.

Sometimes because of the uncontrollable things in our lives we find ourselves wishing for someone else's life. 

But what we don't realize is each and everyone of us have travelled down a path unique to our very person that has enabled us to handle things in life better than the next person who hasn't lived our life. You can take your journey through life and swap lives with someone you perceive to have the perfect life, only to find they are going through something you had no idea about. 

I had someone tell me the other day they wished they could have my life. Little do they know, my life is far from perfect. This blog post isn't a whine story about my personal insecurities and problems in life but rather a look past my skin.

The imperfection in my life starts with the mirror. I own who I am, I love who I am, but sometimes that love teeters on a fine line of self hate. Outwardly and a little inwardly I'm confident of how I look. But you see the world has these outrageous beauty standards. All it takes is for me to stand naked in front of the mirror and to remember a woman I saw every male in the bar fawning over. 

This woman is the most beautiful blonde you ever saw, with bright blue eyes, perfect white teeth, a face that you can't help but feel drawn into when your eyes meet her smile and a body you could swear fell out of a Victoria's Secret catalog.

 The problem is that I know I fall way below those standards, instead of being confident that I'm great just the way I am, I analyze how I can change the way my body and face looks only to end with a depressing sigh because I am who I am. I can't change the way god made me. Sure I can go under the knife and let doctors shape me into a Barbie doll- but who would ever want or love someone that vain? 

But more thoughts follow those: who would want me the way I am now? Nobody. It's a lose, lose.

"I wish I could be like her, she's so pretty everybody loves her." -Mistake 1

More imperfection carries into my life- that same girl I saw in the bar, was very charismatic, every person of any walk of life and gender pined for her attention. She had a laugh that sounded like bells ringing. Her happiness just seemed to saturate the room and cover everyone up in a good time. 

When I enter a room, nobody notices I'm there, not that I want to be noticed, but I want to be able to spread happiness and positivity with every footprint I leave.


"I wish I could be like her, everyone loves being around her."-Mistake 2

This same woman has a lot of money, she's perceived as very successful in life, she drives a nice car, wears nice clothes, carries a big rock on her hand and lives in a big house.

I am not quite so sparkly, as I come with a paycheck to paycheck policy that has passed up more success in life than I've gained, I drive a decent vehicle with a few scratches and cloth seats, I wear secondhand and clearance clothes, I carry my family's heirloom on my hand and I live in a small single family house. My life is clean and solid but not quite so luxurious and shiny.

I could spend every second wishing and working every hour of every day striving for what I wish I had.

"I wish I could be like her, her life is perfect!"- Mistake 3

The positives about myself.... searching....

If I dig deep enough, I can come up with a few:

I can handle pain, physical, mental and emotional. I can take it like it doesn't phase me like the stabs at my heart are deflected by impenetrable cold hard ice. 

I can handle life going to shit because I've been to the bottom with no money, I can draw something from nothing, because the only way I've ever had something is because I made it happen for myself. I make friends easy because I know the worth of loyalty and what it's like to need somebody when you have nobody.

"Those positives don't help me in any way- they will never help me get to the blonde's life that I want so badly, so what use are they?"-Mistake 4

Little do I know... this blonde... is beautiful... but those who really know her, find her appalling because she has an attitude and vicious side with absolutely no value of loyalty that has pushed away most of her friends. Those who are drawn to her and beg for her attention are always after what she has. Men just want what they can get out of her, even women think they can get some spare change thrown their way. But keep peeling back her skin and you'll find she's trapped with her abusive husband because if she leaves him she'll be in debt up to her pretty blues. All of her costly nice things come at a cost to her own humanity.


But what I really don't know about her, is that she wishes she could have my life- I have true friends I can trust with my life. Everyone is cordial and friendly with me, no one is after my money or my shiny things. My partner treats me as his equal and loves me unconditionally. I don't have much to my name but I'm not in debt. 

Without knowing her side of the story, my life can seem mediocre.

However, knowing her side of the story shows me who I am and makes me happy to be, well, me. I am who I am, because of where I've been. I'll be even better because of where I'm going.

Don't forget it friends, curse the mirror, wish for a better life, but at the end of the day, love who you are- because no one, no one, can replace you.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Real Life Struggles of Women

Being a woman in this day and age is more than just being a gender, its more or less a full-time job. We go through so many struggles that men could never fathom. They don't understand just how real the struggle is...although they do try their best to accommodate us.

Any woman who is considered to be grown nowadays would understand the all too real struggle of keeping up with contouring. I mean even some men are doing it. I can barely put on makeup without looking like an emo kid from the 2000s, and you've got these divas on YouTube who can make themselves look like Kim Kardashian. But we women who don't contour rest soundly at night knowing we can go for a swim and not come back up looking like Medusa.

Don't even get me started on bodily maintenance. Sometimes I just wish I could've been born back during the B.C. Ages. We are covered in hair for a reason, but for some damn reason that I don't know we have all been trained from a young age to shave ourselves into a bunch of naked mole rats. Yeah you know what I'm talking about...Wake up in the morning hoping to wear that cute new dress to work, but a quick swipe over the legs makes that overpriced dress a “no-go”. Even better, when your man is kissing you and you know where its heading, the hole time hes running his hands up and down your legs you are screaming at yourself, “WHY DIDN'T I SHAVE THIS MORNING!? HE'S GONNA THINK I'M A DAMN WOOKIE1” Yeah... the struggle is real.

B.R.A......A man had to have been the one to invent a bra. Today's society seriously expects us to strap our beloved girls up tight enough to constrict a rat like a boa and high enough to leave the horse on the ground. Clearly though, this same inventor of the bra had a deal with Karma. We women are all naturally bitchy at times, but put an extra bitch in bitchy and Karma releases the mighty threads of your over the shoulder boulder holder, allowing wire stab your fat blobs right in the mammary gland.

We do have some advantages though, as women... I can only count like one, maybe two. If you got a pretty face or a puddin' face you can get a lot out of men if you know how to use what god gave you right. Flutter your eyelashes like you're whipping up the next hurricane Katrina and that speeding ticket just turned into a warning.

Men like to complain about our “girl stuff” taking over the bathroom, but I mean come one, we do try to downsize but we need so much to keep up our delicate bodies. Shampoo is an obvious need, but conditioner is to keep the hair soft. Body wash for keeping that smell they love on us so much, shaving gel for our legs, arms and down under; heat protection- I mean duh gotta protect our hair from the curling iron's wrath; argan oil for some shine; hand lotion; body lotion; foot scrub; nail polishes- a color for every mood; face wash, face toner, facial moisturizer, deodorant, perfume, maaaaaakeup(20 items or more right there).... Girl stuff is necessary damnit!

Clothes...ugh...we need so many but hate most of them. You can't ever buy the same size of clothing at every store, because whatever is a 6 at Maurice's is an 8 at Rue21. Online shopping is a complete fail. I can't ever buy anything online and get the size right the first time. By time I pay all the shipping charges to return it three times (even after using the store's sizing chart) I could've bought 3-4 new shirts.

Last but not least....You can't ever be angry and be taken seriously. When women get angry its cute or funny. When I'm pissed off, I want to be feared like I'm Maleficent. Sadly all I ever get is laughter... The only time when we are ever actually allowed to be angry is during that “time of the month” and if you got the balls to mention it, you won't have 'em after you say it.

The struggle of every woman is real, but the world just wouldn't be the same without us and our quirky little hangups. Have you got your own real-life womanly struggles? Email me yours, I'd love to hear from my female Straight Southern readers! Love y'all, keep it pretty, keep it classy and always keep it just a bit smart assy!  

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Love Me When I'm Gone

I know it's been over a month since I've posted and I apologize to my loyal readers who have returned week after week looking for a new post. I was without a computer for that entire time and my phone could not process my HTML uploads and don't even get me started on the ancient library computers that were still running on dial up at the town square.

Anyways I just thought I would update everyone on my crazy life- I went to Arkansas for a week about a month ago, then I came home for about three days and took a business trip to Davenport, Iowa for a new day job I started. For those nosy enough to care I'm now working as a Donor Recruiter for Mississippi Valley Regional Blood Center. It keeps me busy through the day and life keeps me busy the rest of the time.

While I was out of town for those two weeks I realized a lot about relationships that I had failed to learn years prior. My ex husband was so codependent and clingy that I couldn't go anywhere without him and if I did there would be hell to pay which usually made me turn around and cancel my plans. (But oh yes it was just fine if he went out wherever doing whatever.)

I was telling my mama about all of this the other day, I asked her if it was normal for my current relationship to feel this good, this close and this complete. I said Brandon is my best friend. She assured me that's how it should be and that I deserved the happiness I had been denied for so long. 

It was funny to watch Brandon and I's relationship grow to the next level over something as simple as voluntary separation for vacation and work related issues. 

When you are away from your significant other you learn the truth about how much not just the other but how much both of you care for one another.

We texted each other a lot more per day than usual and literally about nothing important, mostly to trade "I love you's" and "I miss you's" 20 times a day. It was annoying for outsiders but for us it was like we were grasping for each other to make sure one wasn't slipping away.

You also learn if the other takes you for granted, I didn't have time to not reach out because he took the initiative.

You will also find that Snapchat or FaceTime has become the third wheel in your relationship, and most likely one of you is going to fall asleep while on the phone talking, it's cute but comforting that you can still play "you hang up first" in your 20s.

Instantly pillows try to take the place of your partner but alas they do not snore, twitch or have nightly outbursts of indecipherable words- and you do not and will not have a decent night of rest until you return back home to sleep in your lover's arms.

You also find yourself making a million plans in your heads of all the things you guys are gonna do together when you get back home- reality check: Netflix... but that's cool too.

When you return home you find your phone full of screenshots of cutesy conversations you two had over texts or of Instagram posts of cutesy quotes that made your heart warm just thinking about them. You won't show any of them once you make it back to reality because you realized how nauseating romantic your mind was being...

When you have a bad day while out of town the best thing to do is sleep it off, because it sucks- and don't even get me started on the rain because knowing your thunder buddy is 400 miles away does not help you sleep.

While you're away time slows down to a crawl- you count the minutes to when you'll be home, because yes you yourself took for granted  even the little annoying things about them that you missed so much. 

Do you know the saying , “If you love someone, let them go and if they come back then it’s meant to be”? I think that same rule applies to this situation . When you truly love someone, you should be able to let them do whatever they need to do in order to pursue their goals and they should do the exact same thing for you, because then you can be sure you are experiencing the right type of love...

 the type that is liberating....

Thursday, February 2, 2017

Letter To A Diabetic's Lover

We are all imperfect people, some a little more quirkier than others, a little smarter than others, a little slower than others, a little crazier than others, a little prettier than others and some a little sicker than others.

This post today is dedicated to every diabetic's life partner. We struggle to fight an incredibly difficult battle every day, but for those of us lucky enough, we have someone who is dedicated to us through thick ,and thin-willing to stick it out through the worst of our disease.

So if you're diabetic and you have that special someone you always wanted to thank them for just being them through it all, show them this letter:

My love,
My situation in life seems to be so unfortunate at times. As you have come to know, diabetes on its best day, presents a challenge. You've watched me fail many times to handle my body and succeed many times at rubbing the disease's face in the dirt, and it is for that, that I wish to thank you.

I would like to thank you for all of the nights you stay up with me when I have high blood sugars. All the times my crazy alarms go off and wake you up but fail to wake me up, so you wake me up and save me from a climbing blood sugar. All the times you just know something isn't right about the still way I lay in the bed and you bring me juice to yet again save me, only this time from a fifty-something.

I would like to thank you for all the times you ask about my blood sugars or if I've taken insulin for the piece of candy I just popped in my mouth because, even though I make a face at you and say “Thanks Mom,” secretly I'm thankful to know you care enough to ask and offer your help in any way. All the times you ask if there is anything you can do for me. And yes even all of the times you go out of your way to bring me my favorite diet soda, Diet A&W Rootbeer to be exact.

I would like to thank you for the times you have interrupted our plans to make sure I get something to eat because you know if I'm left to my own devices I'll fall back into “normal human” mode as if I can skip meals with no consequences.

I'd also like to thank you for all the times you've served as my personal diary, remembering blood sugar numbers and taking one for the team by letting me prick your finger to make sure my meter is working correctly. Even all the times you've stopped people from buying me an extra shot at the bar or offering me an extra piece of cake at a party because, even though you know anything in moderation won't hurt, sometimes my ability to say “no” becomes awkward when its offered.

I couldn't thank you enough for the times you let me lay in your arms and cry it out. Sometimes this job of managing this disease night and day with no paid vacation and no holidays gets me overwhelmed and feeling defeated. While your words, “I would take it for you if I could,” are comforting and help ease my tears, I would never make such a trade because I love you too much. I know my mood swings are the worst to take with this disease, a 30 point change can sometimes mean the difference between depressed, crying, mad, sick, angry and happy.

I know it must really take a lot of love not to strangle me when I get a bad low and go crazy eating the rest of the Oreos or Gushers that you had hoped to eat later. And so for dealing with a food-crazed monster who suffers feeding frenzies due to lows, I'd like to thank you. I know its a scary sight waking up to a tangled hair monster with chocolate smears on its face, crumbs in the bed and the kitchen a complete wreck of spilled foos and drinks. I don't ever remember doing any of it...

Of course you know I can't pass up how thankful I am you deal with my diabetes and all of its baggage....literally. Every time we go out of town there are always two bags full of supplies and you know I love the way you help me take inventory as if I haven't double checked and rechecked again. Testers? Strips? Needles? Lancets? Cartridges? Sites? Syringes? Charging Cables? Batteries? IV Tape? INSULIN!???

Not to mention my tail end luggage that seems to follow everywhere everyday. In other words thank you for putting up with finding test strips all over the house, in the couch, in the bed, in the garage, in the yard, in my truck (a given) and crazily, even in your truck. I swear I throw them away but, my mom once had a theory going that they become charged with static electricity and stick to things if accidentally dropped. I don't know the probability of that being true but, I do know I've not lived at home with her for almost six years now and she still finds them in her house.

I also would like to thank you for something a little more blush-worthy. In the heat of a moment when you accidentally skim my IV during a glorious run around my body with your hands and you pause to say sorry- I instantly feel awkward like I'm such a freak and normal people don't have to deal with plastic tubing and electronics hanging off of other normal people. I always try to say I don't feel it even though I did feel it but sometimes my “Ow!” beats me to my words and then I feel even more awkward. But even more blush-worthier than that is the way you look at me like I don't have a scar on my body. I know you see them, but you kiss over them like they aren't there- and that will never cease to amaze me.

More than anything though, I'd like to thank you for being there for me when it seems like I don't need anyone or anything but myself and my insulin. Its not easy to love someone like me, its not easy to be around someone like me but you do it and for that I thank you.

                                                                                                                           Your Diabetic Girlfriend

Saturday, January 14, 2017


Every so often I like to add new songs to my music library, which led me to opening my Shazam app where all of my late night drinking songs are stored. (For those of you who don't know, Shazam is an app that listens to songs playing in the environment and then tells you the name of the song and the name of the artist who sings it.) While I've definitely been guilty of using this app in a movie theater to find out who sings that really cool song I'm hearing to this fantastic action scene, I mostly use it when I'm out late at night in the bars and I hear a good song come on that I just have to have.

After using this app I usually forget by the next morning that I have used, so every few months I open a gold mine and there awaits me dozens of collected songs just waiting to bring me countless eargasms.

This morning I opened up my Shazam and went down the list adding the songs I found but, I paused when I came across PILLOWTALK by Zayne. I kept trying to figure out what song this was. So I used YouTube and looked it up and listened to it. Instantly I realized why I loved it, it had such a sweet easy melody along with words that would entrance any woman that had the time to actually listen to them. If you haven't heard the song, you can listen to it here.

Anyways, listening to this song brought a smile to my face and a little inspiration. So I thought I would take a stab at something intimate. With so many rules, ideas, hard times and good times that make a successful, happy relationship into what it is, its hard for anyone person to argue what you must and must not do in a relationship. But I am going to argue that point.

My argument begins with sending an applause to the lyricist who wrote PILLOWTALK. My argument continues with saying pillowtalk is a very vital important thing in every relationship. I've been in relationships that did not include very successful pillowtalk, and guess what? That's why they are past tense.

Communication is so important in a relationship. I know, I know, you know, he knows, she knows, we all know. We've heard it a million times. But it's true, which is why you still listen when a veteran couple lends advice on communication.

What most of those veteran couples actually don't tell you is the importance of finding the right time to communicate and not just ultimately about problems or issues but just in general. If you find that sweet spot as in time to communicate you can find a whole new level of intimacy in your relationship.

Contrary to modern belief, pillow talk is not necessarily associated with sex or something that happens after intercourse, it can and most often is the kind of conversation you have with your lover while you are both lying down in bed together.

Have you ever just laid down in bed and entangled yourselves in each other's arms and just talked, like seriously talked about anything and everything? Whether it be your life together, problems, your future together or maybe even reminiscence on memories you've made together. If you have then you know that undeniable feeling of love and mental pleasure pillowtalk brings just laying there listening to each other.

Many studies have shown, ah forget the studies, its obvious, pillowtalking connects partners emotionally and physically. But studies have shown that pillowtalking does cause a release of oxytocin, which is known as the fee[-good hormone that increases overall happiness, romantic attachment and empathy and even has an anxiolytic effect (anti-anxiety) and.....according to The Journal of Neuroscience in November 2012, it is a hormone that increases one's resolve to stay faithful to their partner.

And hanging on my previous statements we can conclude that one of the most important things pillowtalking does is build the connection and love in a relationship. Just listening to your partner calmly talking with you can act as a biological lullaby that soothes you from the day's anxieties and failures.

Because pillowtalking happens under calm, easy circumstances it relaxes the both of you, which in turn helps you both open up to more intimate communication without worrying about walking on eggshells into your next argument, which in turn increases trust in one another.

Pillowtalking is also one of those times when you have no one else attention but each others, a time when you can be alone with no distractions. You can spend an entire day alone with each other doing whatever, but the minute you lay down in bed and initiate pillowtalk and even only for a few minutes, you will feel that original spark that brought you two together in the first place, all over again.

While everything I say here is still 50 percent opinion, I would stake that 50 percent on science and go as far as to say that the couples who don't indulge in pillowtalk will never, ever know the connection for those who do pillowtalk.

All that being said, pillowtalking should always be ended on a positive note. It is a proven fact if you go to bed feeling negative or in a quarrel with your partner you will wake up feeling tired and drained in the morning, we've all been there before and it sucks.

Making a visible effort to make pillowtalk positive will show up in the relationship as your life together will start to feel more up-beat and exciting.

In case you need some help getting started consider these things for topics of your next pillowtalk:

-Make comparisons to other couples. What is something you admire in another couple? Without realizing it, by reflecting on something like this positively, you and your partner will subconsciously make positive changes in order to be more like the admirable couple.

-Talk about your future. Of course pillowtalk is for relationships that have already reached deep, so don't go scaring off your boyfriend/girlfriend of two weeks with talk of your future. But for those of you who are in a deeply intimate relationship, discuss your future plans, goals and lives. It's okay to fantasize with each other about what you want, it feels great and will in turn motivate the both of you to work together as a team to get to where you want to be.

-Compliment each other. Don't be a suck-up with obvious flattery, but bring up a situation or instance where your partner had to make a decision in how they would deal with an issue and compliment them on how they dealt with it. Or maybe even how you liked their new haircut. Be open, be honest, be genuine and your partner will sense this and it will draw the both of you closer.

-Reminisce on memories. Talk about how you two first met, or the first time you kissed or maybe even the first vacation you took together. All of these things will lead you into giggling conversations of romance that will make you feel like the luckiest couple in love ever.

-Talk about your past failures together. Those hurdles, or hard times you thought you would never make it through, reflect on those. See how far your love and dedication to one another has brought you.

-Your day. Yes lastly but not least. Just simply talk about your day, the good and the bad of it. The more you both open up about your daily lives, the stronger the connection you two will develop. If both of you are aware of each other's lives then there will be very little room for insecurity and jealous and a lot more room for trust and love.

So you have it, pillowtalk.... Go ahead, try it. You won't be sorry. And as always thanks for reading Straight Southern.

Friday, December 23, 2016

If You're A Millennial, Read This

Millennials are among the largest stereotyped group of people today. As self-entitled brats who do what they want when they want, those of us millennials finding our birth years in the 80s and 90s are fortunate if we aren't grouped in with the spoiled 2000s babies. (A millennial by urban definition is considered to be a person having a birth year of 1981 or later.)

However, even for those of us who got plenty of tail whoopings and a good raising, we find ourselves caught up in society's fad of habits. We all too often scoff at teen millennials for their outlandish pop-culture ways but in reality we find ourselves taking on the same cookie cutter ideas. With technology changing human interaction, love and romance is expressed in much different ways and “having a good time” or “hanging with friends” has otherwise been noted through social media.

If you are a millennial in your 20s or 30s you may find the following things to be all too true in this day and age:

First impressions are everything. Back before our time it was considered rude and unheard of to fart or burp in front of your date, and especially your spouse. Now it seems if you make it past the first two dates, a millennial man will welcome you with open arms and a smelly fart, the woman returns in kindness with a garlic ensued belch. Its disgusting really, while I find myself holding in my farts around my boyfriend whom I live with, my burps bubble forth like Mt. Saint Helens spewing her top. Of course after the first two dates its too much trouble to hold in all that painful air whether it be heading north or south.

As mentioned before, I live with my boyfriend.....And cue all the negative comments and blah blah blah. Its the norm nowadays. People are moving in together instead of getting married. Couples in their thirties have no desire to marry yet build an entire life together with a house, kids and a fat dog in front of the fire place, its just the norm now. No one has a problem with it. I can't say I disagree, had I lived with my ex husband before marrying him, I would've never married him. LOL, it's true. That all being said I don't think marriage has lost its importance I just think its considered a high risk, a risk some would prefer not to take.

Part of being a millennial includes having our faces glued to a phone, tablet or some other hand-held electronic device, that will bend to our ever wish and whim at the touch of a fingertip.

As mentioned previously about face-glueing we find ourselves carrying on romantic relationships over the phone. And no, I don't mean like back in the 90s when you sat in your bed upside down with your feet on the wall talking to your crush on that clear plastic phone with a cord that never seemed to stay untangled; what I mean is sending texts to convey love. Do they really have the same meaning as a heartfelt letter? The answer is not clear. I can't say I feel any less loved receiving a texted “I love you.” But then again I've been conditioned along with the rest of society to accept this as normal.

This also brings us to “poop texting”. Don't even make that face. You all know what I'm talking about. You are texting that one person that just makes your bejeweled world go round and suddenly a massive logging truck shows up at your back door demanding to dump its timber. Well heck its not like your face-timing anybody, so go ahead take off a load and text that crush of yours with your best strain face.

We all go through that phase where we think about deleting our social media accounts but then we know if we did this we would sit at home with nothing to do and our lives would be meaningless. Ninety-nine percent of our entertainment rest on the drama of Facebook, the updates of Twitter, the duckfaces of Instagram and the nudes of Snapchat.

Millennials crave the words “I love you” and “I'll never cheat on you” though we can't trust half of the people that say them, because in our millennial age, monogamy means nothing.

Way back when, people use to talk their problems out, now its just easier to blow off someone's text and say, “I'm fine” when really you just want to punch kittens.

Back to social media.... You ever catch yourself lurking? But only to get your feelings hurt? Yeah, you're a millennial, because only a millennial would care enough to lurk that hard.

Dedication in relationships means and takes so much nowadays. Its always as if one person is catching feelings for a fuckboy/fuckgirl. There just aren't enough faithful people to go around anymore.

Emojis are going to be the death of us all. While such a nifty invention helps to convey emotion and feeling through text, we all know that one person that uses them in every single text message, to the point where your eyes stick in your head from rolling them so much. Of course I'm guilty of emoji use too, but since the new iPhone iOS release, my boyfriend and I find ourselves mostly talking in GIFs. That's right... and we are both 90s babies.

What use to be a privilege to use in school or the library is now at the touch of our fingertips with a smart phone or other device-the internet. I remember the days when the simple websites to go too had 16 bit online games that required a huge clunky modem to run them. And don't even get me started on the old CD-ROM games, 2000s babies don't even know what they are missing!

Speaking of the internet, memes seem to be a popular theme along with several pictures of cats and dogs being dressed up. Memes and these lovely critter pics have convinced me that no one sane is left in the world. Of course I mean this melodramatically as I share a meme to my Facebook wall of a milk-drunk baby that says,” I don't always drink milk, but when I do it's Dos Titties.”

Of course too with the title Millennial comes the undeniable self-entitlement to spoil oneself. Bath bombs are the newest rave and way to do this. Some even have prizes in them. The other day I paid $14.99 for one of these chalky tie-died balls that promised to have either a $10 or $10,000 ring inside. I ran my warm bath water, stepped in and dropped in the ball. It bubbled and fizzed and made it look like my turd cutter was fueling my bathtub into a jacuzzi. Finally after about 15 minutes, the fizzing stopped and up popped a clear plastic ball. I snatched it up, opened it, around the ring was a tag that said $10. So there I sat in my purple colored bath water adorning my proudly earned $10 ring. Fifteen dollars for a damn fizz ball while 200,000 Americans are sleeping on the streets....WTF is wrong with us?

Apparently my hairstylist is always displeased with my eyebrows. She's always offering me a deal to wax them so that they can be “on fleek” as they call it. This isn't limited to just women, but seriously I don't have a unibrow and I pluck regularly.... Maybe I don't want Kim Kardashian's huge dark eyebrows. And I sure as hell ain't suctioning my lips in a glass tumbler to get Kylie Jenner's silicone injected lips. Its like giving your lips a hicky, just YouTube it...

If I had a dollar for every time someone annoyed me I'd be swimming in money like Squilliam's Fancy Son on Spongebob. I'm a millennial and other millennials irritate me.

If you're lucky enough to be treated like a queen or king by your signifcant other then you will be the envy of your friends and there is also a good chance you will fuck it up- courtesy of being a millennial.

Many of us millennials don't make a living off of jacking luxury cars, for the simple fact 95 percent of us can't drive a manual vehicle. If you have to ask what a clutch is, just go right ahead and tell everyone around you to facepalm themselves, because you aren't helping our case here. Seriously though, I was born in 1994, I know how to drive a stick, yet I know only a handful of millennials who can drive a manual. It's sad really.

Of course too there is the struggle of screen brightness for us. Even with night shift on and the brightness turned all the way down, your squinting into your poop-strain face just trying to read Facebook in bed. Not to mention I think after a few years of dropping my phone on my face I have flattened my nose.

And last but not least, the few good millennials like myself that are left are all assholes, its how we ward off those dang hipsters and like a species of bird it is our identifying trait in order to find those just like us, who try to keep our retro values while staying in the know. For example: The cons to dating me: I'm an asshole; The Pros to dating me: I'm your asshole.

So if you're an asshole millennial, welcome, find peace in your brethren.