Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Period Tips...For Men

Oh no fellas is it that time of month again? Do you dread the random outbursts of tears and coming downstairs in the morning to find the kitchen ransacked of every piece of chocolate you had stashed? Are you tired of dealing with Aunt Flow every month? Look no further, because for the first time ever, a woman is stepping out of the darkness to hand you all the secrets to dealing with your woman while she is on her period.

Now while some of my readers may consider this post taboo or kind of squeamish, I and after consulting a few of my girlfriends found ourselves laughing hysterically at the truthful but helpful hints I conjured up in this twisted mind of mine.

So if you can't handle it, turn back now, but if you are desperately searching for some sort of road map to navigate such a difficult time in your woman's life that seemingly reoccurs every 28 days, read on:

10 TIPS TO DEAL WITH AUNT FLOW....FOR MEN

  1. If you already don't know any better, do not, I repeat do not poke the sleeping bear. More than likely that beautiful little creature with a matted tangle mess of hair around her face was up all night searching until she found enough chocolate to eat her weight in it. As if that isn't bad enough she most definitely was up all night rolling around in pain cursing Eve as her lady innards felt like they were being beat with a hammer. But wait you say, I've already woke her up before reading this, what do I do now? Well if you don't have breakfast in bed waiting and you see two bloodshot red eyes staring back at you, I suggest you run, don't even bother to get your car, just run and don't look back, if you want to keep your arse that is.
  2. Once again, chocolate...This is a reoccurring theme for a reason fellas. And if it's not chocolate, then you know what it is, every woman makes it a point to voice what she wants during Aunt Flow's visit. Your best bet is to get it, hold it in front of you as clearly as possible when approaching the beast, push it towards them and back away slowly. If you receive the grunt of approval and your beastly, I mean beautiful woman begins tearing into your food offering, you get to live another day, if her eyes turn red again, run...
  3. If she asks you to get tampons or pads, get them. For crying out loud, what are you embarrassed? Well not as embarrassed as you'll be when she's got you strung up by your undies on the front lawn for forcing her to wad toilet paper up her hoohah to make the trip to the store herself while in pain.....shame shame. Any man that gets these items for his woman, has scored some serious brownie points.
  4. The sweet spot. If you haven't found it yet then know its the belly, the lower belly, below the belly button but above the crevices of the “V”. Gently rub this sweet spot and that little monster of yours will roll over into your lap like a harmless kitten purring her approval. Watch it though, you go any higher or lower than previously described and the claws will come out.
  5. Every woman thinks she is queen of the relationship, and she is, just as you are king; however, every queen deserves her day, or in this matter, week. I'm going to put it bluntly, you mean nothing, you are but a little speck of a loyal servant whom must bend to her every wish and command or face her wrath. If she cries, you are to blame, if she's angry, you are to blame, if she's bored you are to blame, if she's happy, you screwed up and she's laughing at the potential punishment she's going to inflict on you. That's right you cannot win.
  6. Do not talk about it like you know how it feels. Because you don't. Unless you've had your corndog beat with a hammer for seven days in a row, you haven't a clue. If you think trying to relate to her is the best way to go, you are so very wrong. I once heard one of my girlfriend's ex-boyfriends say to her, “I got kicked in the balls once, and I know that hurt way worse, you'll be okay.” He had a lovely obituary in the newspaper the next day.
  7. When she says,” Bring me the strong stuff.” Don't come bearing asprin or tylenol. She's already bleeding out, what the hell makes you think she needs a blood thinner? Better bring Midol Extra Strength or risk losing one of your precious appendages. And what? Do you expect her to swallow that horse pill with just saliva. Bring a drink too dumbass...
  8. She can comment on her bloating, you cannot. If she asks if she looks fat or bloated, abort, I repeat ABORT! Even if she is a bit pudgier because she is obviously bloated, do not tell her that!!! Instead follow up that immediately with compliments to distract her from her question. Answering yes is going to make her cry and make you look like an asshole, because you are; answering no is the same as saying yes but I'm too much of a wiener to say yes; and completely ignoring her isn't going to go over well either. Distraction is the key tactic here.
  9. Tears. There are lots of tears. She will cry over something cute, sad, happy or infuriating. It may catch you off guard to see your strong, independent woman turn into a blubbering co-dependent cry-baby. But it is what it is. A sure fire way to stop the tears is to comment on them, tell her how much she is crying, tell her she needs to toughen up, that is if you want to lose your head. The best way, actually is to agree with her emotions and hope and pray you aren't the reason for her tears.
  10. Last but definitely not least, do not ever and I mean ever, no matter the time of month, say, “Are you on your period?” Let me be the first to inform you, we women are all perfectly capable of being a class “A” Boss Bitch, without being on our period. You taking the low pathetic route and resorting to these words just goes to show you're an ignorant ass,who's mama didn't beat enough. The last man that said this to me, received divorce papers LMAO. Just kidding, or am I?


Thanks for reading Straight Southern y'all! And fellas, good luck!

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