Thursday, December 1, 2016

Forever? Ah Hell NO!

Recently, I've had some things come to light. Which I suppose is something that happens many times in a young adult's life. And I also suppose that's were “you live and you learn”came from as well.

I've thought about this quite a lot and I wasn't sure if this would make good reading material after I got done with it, but then I found myself looking at everything else I've wrote. How could I forget the very success of this blog is based on my own life experiences? I don't know....

Anyways, what I'm talking about is the meaning of F-O-R-E-V-E-R. To those of you with commitment issues, this is an entirely frightening word and to those of us like myself who have been burned and may or may not have long term commitment issues but are definitely “careful” it's a scary word as well.

As many of you know, I was once married for a couple years. What wasn't actually more than a year and a half ago seems like it happened years ago. It's amazing how a divorce can age you mentally (LOL). I'm serious.

But something the other day clicked in my brain. I thought back to when I spoke my wedding vows. “Till death do us part,” was the specific part I was trying to wrap my head around. The way I was raised, you don't divorce you work your problems out. But what I realized was, I was already dead, the vows don't specify if its physical, mental or emotional death. Everyone just assumes it means one or both persons involved physically dies therefore breaking the matrimonial vow. But you know what they say, “Assuming makes an ass out of u and me.” I had realized I was emotionally dead, I felt nothing for this person that I was bound to, I felt no love, only emotional attachment, I felt obligated to stay with this person, I did not want to be with him out of my own free will FOREVER or until I died physically.

Something else I also came across in my mind, I never told that man or anyone else that I wanted to be with him FOREVER. As a child and teen I was always very well versed in literature, it's been my strong suit and for obvious reasons it's why I have a degree specifically in language itself. However, as a youngster I subconsciously realized the deep and serious meaning of FOREVER. I see many teen girls and guys too who throw around the words “I love you” and you know the type I'm talking about, the ones that make you roll your eyes because you and I both know it's not love, no matter how much they disagree, we've been there done that and know it means nothing. Well I myself was never one of those girls to throw around the word, I've only loved 3 people in a romantic relationship, the idea is, none of that love has lasted. I never once thought to myself or thought of the future about how I wanted to grow old with that person and die with them, and I never thought to myself, if we lived FOREVER, I'd want to spend it with them. It's sad but true as Metallica says.

What brought all of these thoughts on initially, I was laying quietly in bed tucked into my boyfriend's side, thinking about our short but very passionate relationship we'd held so far. Through a short amount of time we had found ourselves highly invested in one another. We'd grown and jumped over hurdles that most relationships wouldn't make it over in their first year much less their first six months. And yet after every trial and tribulation we kept and continue to come out stronger and closer, this being the first time I'd ever experienced this I realized that I was not just emotionally attached to this man but that every “I love you” that leaves my mouth towards him has my entire soul poured into it. I realized while laying there listening to him tell me about his day at work that I would indeed lay down my life for him, that I'd trust him with my own life, that I could spend FOREVER like this, better yet that I want to spend FOREVER like this. Such an epiphany shocked me to my very core. And before I could stop myself the words, “I want to be with you forever,” flew out of my mouth. I was mentally kicking myself in the ass. What was I thinking, saying that. I'm going to scare him off now. But I didn't LOL thankfully.

I late explained to him why such words meant so much to me, that I'd never cared enough to speak them to another. I don't know if he really got what I meant or not. I didn't ask and the point of this post was not to make a mushball version of The Notebook out of my blog. I just wanted to put myself out there, so that if any of you out there are going through these emotions of really, and I mean really, truly, madly deeply (sorry got a little carried away, that song by Savage Garden popped in my head), but if any of you are seriously feeling this same way, you're not alone.

It seems nowadays so many young adults would prefer to be single, because our generation has become an embarrassment to society. For the few of us out there actually trying to build a life for ourselves, it seems hopeless, like we will never find anyone to live our life with.

But I once said something, something I didn't really know the meaning of until I felt the meaning of it, “Stop searching for Superman. He will pick you up when you need him the most.” And every single word is true, stop searching, there are too many bitches and assholes to pick through. Humans gather in packs by nature just like wolves in a den. You can't force these feelings and neither can you stop them when they do come, trust me you can't, I've thrown up a wall, I've pushed away I've done everything I thought necessary to protect myself and all I ended up doing was hurting myself and the other side of my FOREVER.

So if you're out there, and you're scared as hell to the point you think your britches got a head start of running, take a minute, take a breath and let down the wall. It will be the scariest thing you've ever done, especially if you've been hurt, but I promise, its worth it. And if you mean it, say it, the other person could be going through the same emotions you are.

Me to myself,” It seems FOREVER wasn't so scary after all.....But this is only the beginning.....Shut up and live, you deserve it......" *Jumps head first* I'll let you all know what it's like on the other side.


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