Friday, December 23, 2016

If You're A Millennial, Read This

Millennials are among the largest stereotyped group of people today. As self-entitled brats who do what they want when they want, those of us millennials finding our birth years in the 80s and 90s are fortunate if we aren't grouped in with the spoiled 2000s babies. (A millennial by urban definition is considered to be a person having a birth year of 1981 or later.)

However, even for those of us who got plenty of tail whoopings and a good raising, we find ourselves caught up in society's fad of habits. We all too often scoff at teen millennials for their outlandish pop-culture ways but in reality we find ourselves taking on the same cookie cutter ideas. With technology changing human interaction, love and romance is expressed in much different ways and “having a good time” or “hanging with friends” has otherwise been noted through social media.

If you are a millennial in your 20s or 30s you may find the following things to be all too true in this day and age:

First impressions are everything. Back before our time it was considered rude and unheard of to fart or burp in front of your date, and especially your spouse. Now it seems if you make it past the first two dates, a millennial man will welcome you with open arms and a smelly fart, the woman returns in kindness with a garlic ensued belch. Its disgusting really, while I find myself holding in my farts around my boyfriend whom I live with, my burps bubble forth like Mt. Saint Helens spewing her top. Of course after the first two dates its too much trouble to hold in all that painful air whether it be heading north or south.

As mentioned before, I live with my boyfriend.....And cue all the negative comments and blah blah blah. Its the norm nowadays. People are moving in together instead of getting married. Couples in their thirties have no desire to marry yet build an entire life together with a house, kids and a fat dog in front of the fire place, its just the norm now. No one has a problem with it. I can't say I disagree, had I lived with my ex husband before marrying him, I would've never married him. LOL, it's true. That all being said I don't think marriage has lost its importance I just think its considered a high risk, a risk some would prefer not to take.

Part of being a millennial includes having our faces glued to a phone, tablet or some other hand-held electronic device, that will bend to our ever wish and whim at the touch of a fingertip.

As mentioned previously about face-glueing we find ourselves carrying on romantic relationships over the phone. And no, I don't mean like back in the 90s when you sat in your bed upside down with your feet on the wall talking to your crush on that clear plastic phone with a cord that never seemed to stay untangled; what I mean is sending texts to convey love. Do they really have the same meaning as a heartfelt letter? The answer is not clear. I can't say I feel any less loved receiving a texted “I love you.” But then again I've been conditioned along with the rest of society to accept this as normal.

This also brings us to “poop texting”. Don't even make that face. You all know what I'm talking about. You are texting that one person that just makes your bejeweled world go round and suddenly a massive logging truck shows up at your back door demanding to dump its timber. Well heck its not like your face-timing anybody, so go ahead take off a load and text that crush of yours with your best strain face.

We all go through that phase where we think about deleting our social media accounts but then we know if we did this we would sit at home with nothing to do and our lives would be meaningless. Ninety-nine percent of our entertainment rest on the drama of Facebook, the updates of Twitter, the duckfaces of Instagram and the nudes of Snapchat.

Millennials crave the words “I love you” and “I'll never cheat on you” though we can't trust half of the people that say them, because in our millennial age, monogamy means nothing.

Way back when, people use to talk their problems out, now its just easier to blow off someone's text and say, “I'm fine” when really you just want to punch kittens.

Back to social media.... You ever catch yourself lurking? But only to get your feelings hurt? Yeah, you're a millennial, because only a millennial would care enough to lurk that hard.

Dedication in relationships means and takes so much nowadays. Its always as if one person is catching feelings for a fuckboy/fuckgirl. There just aren't enough faithful people to go around anymore.

Emojis are going to be the death of us all. While such a nifty invention helps to convey emotion and feeling through text, we all know that one person that uses them in every single text message, to the point where your eyes stick in your head from rolling them so much. Of course I'm guilty of emoji use too, but since the new iPhone iOS release, my boyfriend and I find ourselves mostly talking in GIFs. That's right... and we are both 90s babies.

What use to be a privilege to use in school or the library is now at the touch of our fingertips with a smart phone or other device-the internet. I remember the days when the simple websites to go too had 16 bit online games that required a huge clunky modem to run them. And don't even get me started on the old CD-ROM games, 2000s babies don't even know what they are missing!

Speaking of the internet, memes seem to be a popular theme along with several pictures of cats and dogs being dressed up. Memes and these lovely critter pics have convinced me that no one sane is left in the world. Of course I mean this melodramatically as I share a meme to my Facebook wall of a milk-drunk baby that says,” I don't always drink milk, but when I do it's Dos Titties.”

Of course too with the title Millennial comes the undeniable self-entitlement to spoil oneself. Bath bombs are the newest rave and way to do this. Some even have prizes in them. The other day I paid $14.99 for one of these chalky tie-died balls that promised to have either a $10 or $10,000 ring inside. I ran my warm bath water, stepped in and dropped in the ball. It bubbled and fizzed and made it look like my turd cutter was fueling my bathtub into a jacuzzi. Finally after about 15 minutes, the fizzing stopped and up popped a clear plastic ball. I snatched it up, opened it, around the ring was a tag that said $10. So there I sat in my purple colored bath water adorning my proudly earned $10 ring. Fifteen dollars for a damn fizz ball while 200,000 Americans are sleeping on the streets....WTF is wrong with us?

Apparently my hairstylist is always displeased with my eyebrows. She's always offering me a deal to wax them so that they can be “on fleek” as they call it. This isn't limited to just women, but seriously I don't have a unibrow and I pluck regularly.... Maybe I don't want Kim Kardashian's huge dark eyebrows. And I sure as hell ain't suctioning my lips in a glass tumbler to get Kylie Jenner's silicone injected lips. Its like giving your lips a hicky, just YouTube it...

If I had a dollar for every time someone annoyed me I'd be swimming in money like Squilliam's Fancy Son on Spongebob. I'm a millennial and other millennials irritate me.

If you're lucky enough to be treated like a queen or king by your signifcant other then you will be the envy of your friends and there is also a good chance you will fuck it up- courtesy of being a millennial.

Many of us millennials don't make a living off of jacking luxury cars, for the simple fact 95 percent of us can't drive a manual vehicle. If you have to ask what a clutch is, just go right ahead and tell everyone around you to facepalm themselves, because you aren't helping our case here. Seriously though, I was born in 1994, I know how to drive a stick, yet I know only a handful of millennials who can drive a manual. It's sad really.

Of course too there is the struggle of screen brightness for us. Even with night shift on and the brightness turned all the way down, your squinting into your poop-strain face just trying to read Facebook in bed. Not to mention I think after a few years of dropping my phone on my face I have flattened my nose.

And last but not least, the few good millennials like myself that are left are all assholes, its how we ward off those dang hipsters and like a species of bird it is our identifying trait in order to find those just like us, who try to keep our retro values while staying in the know. For example: The cons to dating me: I'm an asshole; The Pros to dating me: I'm your asshole.

So if you're an asshole millennial, welcome, find peace in your brethren.


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