Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Once A Cheater, Not Always A Cheater

We've all heard the saying, “once a cheater, always a cheater.” As unfortunate as it is for me to say this, many of us have been cheated on, and for the few of you that have not, I continue to wish you do not ever experience the emotions and turmoil that come with being cheated on in a relationship.

On a more positive note though, I want to discuss changing the stereotypes of cheaters. While some men and women are “blatant cheaters” those that are “vulnerable cheaters” (I'll explain more on these terms later) are not cheaters for the rest of their lives. So for those of you that have been cheated on once or maybe even several times and you are in a relationship with a companion who cheated in their previous relationships and you find yourself wondering, “What will stop them from doing the same to me?”, this is for you.

With society's blame game and instant slate wiper term “nobody is perfect” its hard to trust anyone anymore. Infidelity in a relationship is one of the largest leading causes of distrust in a relationship according to a social interactions study done by Northwestern University. So when we have been through many rocky relationships with each partner cheating on as the one before and we feel that we may have actually found Mr. Perfect (or Ms. Perfect) this time, we come to a screeching halt in our blooming love when we find out our current partner was a previous cheater.

No matter how much they tell you they've changed, and it was because they were a dumb kid or whatever their excuse may be, you can't help but wonder if they will make up the same excuse and cheat on you. This sucks and many of us that have been cheated on hate the feelings that are brought on by this. However, I'd like to answer some consolation:

When a man or woman admits about their past of cheating or anything else they've done screwy in their past, this is a sure sign of them wanting to gain your trust and that they have matured from such a low stoop. Those that are still cheaters, have no intentions of letting you know their true side and what they use to and can still be. This brings us to the term “blatant cheater.”

Blatant cheaters are the type of people that throw you red flags from the very beginning, but due to lust, infatuation or the excitement of beginning a new relationship, we ignore these red flags and end up in a broken relationship. Blatant cheaters are individuals that never take the relationship serious from the beginning, they just want somebody at their convenience and will always look to add more individuals to their lives that will provide the benefits they desire.

In many cases we find ourselves suspecting of cheater but we continue to deny it until the proof “blatantly” presents itself in our lives. Usually too we find our friends nearly beating the truth into us, because lets face it, who wants to admit they're being cheated on?

Admitting to yourself that a person you were deeply invested in emotionally, has no interest in being serious and isn't ready to settle down and grow up, is the hardest thing one will ever have to do. At this point though, its best to lick your wounds, let them go and learn from it. With a blatant cheater, there is nothing anyone can do about their willingness to cheat. You cannot change a blatant cheater. Period.

But now you ask “What is a vulnerable cheater?” Not everyone that cheats has an undeniable thirst to step out on their partner. A vulnerable cheater is not a person who WANTS to cheat like a blatant cheater. What they really WANT is for their partner to be the person they need or had hoped they would be for them. They have accepted the fact of being in a committed and serious relationship but they still find a void exists.

Often times this “void” is emotional or affectionate neglect, making it easy for someone else to come along and step right in without any harmful intention. While this does not make for validation or excuse, it shows that while a vulnerable cheater may not be a blatant cheater they are not at a suitable maturity level to remain in a relationship due to the fact they have forced themselves to remain in a relationship that continues to make them feel a void until they reach they point of instead of breaking it off like a mature sensible person would do, they keep their current attachment and find their satisfaction in someone else. Usually when a vulnerable cheater reaches this point they realize their mistakes and may even continue to make them again in several other relationships until they realize, you can't make people be some thing they are not, its better to remain single than to push into relationships hoping for the right one.

Vulnerable cheaters normally take time off from relationships for awhile until they find themselves falling into an unforced relationship- which brings us to the new saying “once a cheater,not always a cheater.” When a vulnerable cheater truly learns their lesson and gains the maturity needed to maintain a mature relationship, that person will no longer find themselves a cheater of any sort. In fact when the vulnerable cheater truly changes, they will realize even if their first relationship after their cheating days does not work out, they will cordially end the relationship. So I guess you could say cheating is all based on maturity.

Cheating is never a mature way to handle things, and it is a decision that can have a negative impact on many lives. This is where people should learn to take a better approach to their unhappiness. This may not be what you want to hear if you have been cheated on but its the truth, you have to consider to that you contributed to being cheated on by a vulnerable cheater, because while cheating still boils down to they had a “choice” not all cheating is the same. Perhaps you gave this person an ultimatum between their family and you (you should never do this by the way and this is a complete lack of love), or maybe you've ignored their countless attempts to show you affection, or maybe even you've denied them affection, or you've pushed them off to spend more time with your friends, it can even be as simple as not returning phone calls and texts over an extended period of time.

Whatever it may be, you have to learn to let the emotional baggage of being a victim of cheating go, because its the only way you yourself can continue to mature and move forward progressively in a serious, secure and committed relationship because not all “ previous cheaters” should be written off. If you don't want your companion judging you based on who you were in the past or past mistakes you've made, so unless they show a “blatant” disrespect for the relationship they deserve the same chance to be taken accountable as the person they are now and will develop into in the future.

No comments:

Post a Comment