Monday, December 14, 2015

Scary Paths Are The Best Paths

  Someone recently told me when I lacked inspiration to speak to my readers that, “life in itself is inspiring.” In other words there are always good things in life to be happy about, even when the bad seems to outweigh the good.
  I realized that inspiration was not what I lacked. I had many inspiring ideas, many, many things I wanted to say to you all, I simply just didn't have the courage to put it out there. No amount of hate mail discouraged me but, simply put, I had lost my fearless motivation, I suddenly began to think the whole world was judging me.
  I was right, the whole world is judging me, the difference was I started to care. I lost my best friend and experienced a lot of bumps in the road trying to start life fresh in Illinois. I had allowed the weight of the world to rest on my shoulders, something I always encouraged my readers to avoid....Sometimes I suppose, we writers have to slow down, step back and take our own advice.
  I'm incredibly thankful to the person who opened my eyes. So in order to rid this writer's block for good, I'm going to tell you a little about how one little southern girl wound up north of the Mason-Dixon line.
  So here I am, a small town southern girl in the middle of a devastating divorce at 20 years old, working a dead end job 60 hours a week, and just ready for a change.
  I didn't have the courage to leave my ex husband at first, I will speak respectfully of him, but he was quite frankly holding me back and drowning me in his self pity. I felt so trapped, I knew I could do better with my life, heck I was on my way to receiving my Doctorates in Fine Arts, I was so depressed and so down that I even considered dropping out before I could take my last set of finals because, it almost wasn't worth it to me anymore. To think I almost threw all my hard work away, it scares me to this day.
  I had lost myself, I didn't care about myself, what I looked like, about my health, I just let it all go. I in fact wanted to die and even prayed that God would just take me in my sleep. You got it, I had hit rock bottom, no drug addictions or alcoholism needed.
  I decided I needed a break, took a week off work and visited my father whom I was prohibited from seeing for three long years because my ex husband hated my family and they hated him because they saw who he was influencing me to become. (Long story short, hahaha!)
  Once upon a time I wanted to live permanently with my dad in Illinois but I allowed some boy to convince me to move back home to Arkansas and I later married him....Fantastic idea.... Not....
  Anyways when I visited my father after the worst three regretful years of my life, I realized that I didn't need to run from my problems but that I needed to pull myself out of the dangerously negative environment in order to save myself.
  That's exactly what I did. I went home, filed for divorce and admittedly started to play. I made up for every heart wrenching year I had survived. 
  When attempting to finish my finals, my dead end job felt threatened that I would become a doctor, in other words jealousy and the fact I was being severely under paid came into play. So in order to avoid being fired for taking my finals against my employer's wishes, I turned in a resignation letter and cleaned out my desk at 4:30 in the morning before anyone arrived. I took my friend Sherrie with me and drove eight hours to Knoxville to finish my finals.
  I came home from passing finals and started going out every night, not wild partying just showing myself a good time for once. 
  I'd have me a couple of beers, talk to guys at bonfires, flirt and act interested, hand out my number but never answer calls or texts. Yea, I was playing, just like splashing in water puddles after a good rain. I'd go home alone, I never had any sexual interest in any men, I just wanted entertainment in my dull life. Just trying to get my kicks I suppose.
  Eventually though the reality that my income and savings was running out caught up with me. I knew it was time for a change and that little dusty town I lived in was sinking fast and I wasn't about to drown with it. 
  So I applied for a job with a local river transportation company and then I applied for a job with Nintendo in Seattle, Washington. I was going to leave no matter the sacrifices.
  I made it through several interviews with Nintendo but eventually someone else was chosen over me. So that was out. However, the river transportation called me back and offered me a job as a cook on the tug boats. I'd be gone 28 days at a time and home for 14 days. I didn't care that I'd be stuck on a boat with a bunch of stinky men. I loved to cook and I just needed out.
  A couple of hours before I faxed over my acceptance letter a friend I had made awhile back messaged me and offered me a place to stay if I wanted to move north and make a new life for myself.
  So on a whim I sold every possession I owned that I couldn't fit in my truck or stick in a small bedroom to myself. In other words, my clothes, small what-nots, my Xboxes, my 24inch flatscreen, hunting and fishing gear were all I took with me.
  Driving away, I felt terrified, I felt homesick and I felt like a bad person for leaving behind my family and friends. I never showed any of this on the outside, I just put on my big girl panties and hoped and prayed that my fear was unfounded.
  Of course here I am now, with a man that loves me with a passion to match my own, a secure roof over my head to finally call home, a nice truck, a job that validates every single bit of my PhD, friends that would come running at anytime of day and a better relationship with my family than I've had in years.
  It would be a lie to say it was easy, to get to where I am now because it was not. My finances dwindled down, but my faith in myself and God never waned.

  You yourself, are the biggest inspiration, you just need the courage to see it. Without fear there is no need for courage. It's not the right path until you're scared to walk down it.

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