Thursday, May 12, 2016

Reader's Q&A

Many, many questions come to me every week concerning relationship advice, while I refrain from giving advice on how to act or decisions to make, I never mind sharing my experiences and mistakes as reflective compensation for such requests. So in today's post I thought I'd answer a few of the questions I received this week. (I have obtained permission for the following use of first names. For individuals questions not listed, I apologize as I picked randomly out of 300 plus emails.)

Q: “Is love at first sight possible, other than that seen between a mother and her newborn child?” - Ana
A: Well, Ana, I cannot say for sure romantically speaking. I feel that it exists and I feel that every person on this earth has a true other half and that many spend a lifetime searching for that other half only to never find it. In my own experience I can say yes: It was hard to break down the feeling I had the first night I met him. I can come up with a list or personality traits that made me fall in love with him and it seems like many men might fall under that category, but honestly, that first night we met, I just knew he was the one I'd been waiting for my entire life. There was so much energy and positivity flowing in both directions. I loved what he was saying and how he responded to what I was saying, it was like from moment one, we began working like ingeniously engineered machine. We laughed so easily, we connected so easily. Some things are just too easy for a reason.

Q: “I've been divorced for about 6 months but I'm scared to get back into the dating game. Did you ever feel like this after your divorce?” - Sheryl
A: Absolutely! I swore up and down that I would never get into another serious relationship with a man, or at least I wouldn't purposely look for one! I married the first time around for all the wrong reasons and I learned a hard bunch of lessons because of it. Personally I didn't jump headfirst back into the dating game, I just reached out more on a social level, I attended parties and professional networking cocktail hours to better myself and my career, I made a point to interact with other people. I'm sure a hundred guys or so tried to convince me to go back with them to their place, or go on a date, or to give them a call as they slipped a small piece of paper in my coat pocket, but honestly, me putting forth that effort to answer back to them was just not what I wanted or needed. I had spent 5 years doing all the work and giving all the effort in my relationship and I just wasn't ready for that workload anymore. However, pertaining to the above answered question: when you stop searching, when you just admit you're probably going to be a single, old, dog-hoarding (in my case horse-hoarding) lady who never found her true love (LMAO), you will find yourself falling into an effortless relationship; while all relationships take work, commitment and a dedication to communication, it should not be “work” to just get the relationship started.

Q: “My boyfriend doesn't want to get married, like ever. I've been married before and I know exactly what I'd want out of my next/last marriage, but he's never been married, only engaged, in which he broke off his engagement after a series of events. What do I do?” - Marsha
A: Mine either.... haha.... First of all, consider how long the two of you have been together... Then consider that he obviously has commitment issues because he has been burned in the past just like you. I know you're thinking “I've moved past my commitment issues so why can't he?” I do not know, I cannot answer that question at all. But I do know, you cannot rush men into doing or thinking anything, they have to do it themselves. I'm thoroughly convinced my own boyfriend will probably never ask me to marry him, if you are convinced of that as well, you have to ask yourself the next question “Am I willing to stay with him 'until death do us part' regardless if we ever marry?” If you can answer that then you should also be able to answer “Does he not consider marriage a possibility ever even in 5 years? If not, why? Because he prefers an easy escape back to the bachelor life or he honestly wants to make sure its a good decision?” Tough questions to answer, so be prepared for the honest answers.

Q: “I don't get along with my fiance's family. They hate me and even go as far to bash me to her face when I'm not there. I have a good job, a nice house, two nice vehicles and I love her like no other. This is my first engagement. I've read many of your posts and the feelings you describe about your soulmate match mine exactly. I would never make her choose me over her family but I'm just doubting her family. Please help me!” - Quinton.
A: Wow, aren't you making me feel deja vu, with a difference of: I was in your fiance's position and my ex-husband had nothing going for him and he was a complete loser, in the way he treated me and his entire attitude towards life. Comparatively though, you seem to have done well for yourself. So consider why they say what they say. Is it because they think no one and I mean NO ONE will ever been good enough for their little girl? Do you come from different cultural backgrounds? Religious backgrounds? How does your fiance feel? Does she defend you? Is she doubting the relationship? If your fiance brushes it off and sees it as “no big deal” chances are she is very secure in marrying you and she is determined to not let her family interfere. When you two marry, it will be very important to work together as a team and to never, and I mean never, bring your family or hers into your problems, it will only add fuel to the fire, whether they have debatable grounds or not. A marriage is a union between the two of you, I'd talk with her and get her feelings on the matter.

So while I apologize for only answering a few questions out of the hundreds I receive every week, these were the few that really spoke to me on a personal note. I don't claim to be a psychologist of any sort nor do I claim blame to any advice, but I wanted to offer my personal opinion and thoughts. Please keep your questions and feedback coming, I will try to do a Q&A like this every month with more questions if this catches on and becomes a highly requested blog post. Thanks for reading Straight Southern today!  

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