I had noticed before divorcing that my hair had stopped growing, I got it cut every 6 months instead of every 2 months, my nails no longer needed clipping every week, they just didn't grow, I had dark purple to black circles under my eyes, I was a healthy weight but looked sickly and severely underfed. I led a healthy lifestyle and ate a healthy diet but, nothing could explain these abnormalities not even my health problems, although they too were hard to maintain at the time.
The sad thing is, my family knew what was causing these problems and it took me three years to realize what was causing them. I was in a relationship that was literally choking the life out of me because I had allowed myself to become so downtrodden and used as a door mat that I no longer had my eyes on leading a happy life. When you start purposely knocking on death's door, you know its time to make changes no matter the cause.
You've all read my story about making those changes and ending up North. But I thought I'd tell you a little about experiencing love again after a divorce. All of the little silly but important things that make you realize there are still a few good people left in the world.
Plato in his dialogue The Symposium defined and described the origin of "soulmates." And I'm going to get mushy and romantically inclined as possible to show you all what its like when you realize after wasted years of heartbreak on the wrong person, what its like when you finally meet your soulmate.
First here's a rundown of The Symposium:
"Plato presents a story about soulmates stating that humans originally had four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces each being a gender of male and female with each having two sets of genitalia. It is said that humans had great strength at the time and threatened to conquer the gods. The gods were then faced with the prospect of destroying the humans with lightning as they had done with the Titans but then they would lose the tributes given to the gods by humans. Zeus developed a creative solution by splitting humans in half as punishment for humanity's pride and doubling the number of humans who would give tribute to the gods. These split humans were in utter misery to the point where they would not eat and would perish so Apollo had sewn them up and reconstituted their bodies with the belly button being the only remnant hearkening back to their original form. Each human would then only have one set of genitalia and would forever long for his/her other half; the other half of his/her soul. It is said that when the two find each other, there is an unspoken understanding of one another, that they feel unified and would lie with each other in unity and would know no greater joy than that." -courtesy of www.wikipedia.com
Now let me tell you a little few mushy, silly details about my own soulmate:
- Sometimes when I climb back into bed after a nightly sleepy slumber to the bathroom, he mumbles at me and playful pinches my bottom.
- Random times during the night, we will both coincidentally stir awake and whisper "I love you's" and we will wrap up skintight with each other, our legs impossibly entangled and we'll drift back off to sleep.
- He randomly winks at me all the time, 99% of those winks I haven't a clue what they mean, but I just go with it.
- He pays me a compliment every single day, he even pays attention to what I'm wearing and dares to voice his opinion whether he likes it or not. He's also not afraid to tell me when I look like crap either when I'm sick, not as an insult but his way of saying he can tell I feel like crap haha!
- He thinks I'm sexy when I curl my hair, so simple, but hey if he likes it...
- He even plays video games with me when he'd rather be doing something else, poor thing he just isn't a gamer at heart, nope he's a hunter,but that's okay I like to do that too!
- When we watch movies I lay between his legs on a pillow and he picks at me, gives me wet willies, digs his foot into my side, tugs my hair, squeezes the life out of me with his legs, all of this just to tease and flirt with me in the simplest, innocent way ever
- Sometimes too in the middle of the night when we are sleeping, when its just too hot to sleep in our normal entangled position, he searches out my hand and holds it as we both drift back off to sleep.
- He's also not afraid to let me be the big spoon, sometimes you just can't sleep another night on your back or on that same side, so sometimes I get to be the cuddle monster!!!
- I love it too when we are asleep and he throws his leg over me, I never do this but the fact he uses my legs as cushions entertains me greatly and makes me smile like a goofball in the pitch black of the night.
- He kisses me everyday and what seems like as often as he can. When we are out and he's playing pool, nearly after every turn he takes he wanders over and either kisses me, kicks my boot, or gives me a wink (usually when he is purposely throwing the game) which in turn earns him a sarcastic shake of the head.
- A big one.... He cares if I'm hungry or thirsty, he knows when I'm denying my hunger (a bad habit I've developed) and he will irritate me until I eat, which I am thankful for.
- I'd say the most endearing thing he does is ask about my blood sugar, because he knows it could mean my life. Recently I had a bad low, he carried me up and down through creek beds and up hills until he was just about dead himself, in which he saved me from a diabetic coma and possibly even death if I contemplate the circumstances hard enough.
- He has encouraged me and literally lifted my head up when all I could see were dark clouds blocking the clear blue skies.
- He's went hunting with me and has taken me hunting with him.
- He even rode horseback with me through my beloved countryside of Mountain View, Arkansas.
- He thinks I'm funny, a tad bit strange and a whole lot of crazy with my southern ways. He pokes fun at my accent but admits its his favorite thing about me.
- He's not afraid to challenge me because he knows I'll fight for myself and whatever I believe in.
- He can literally turn my frown upside down and make me laugh through my tears.
- He looks at me like fine china and makes eyes at me constantly, like I'm his perfect little piece of heaven that he's always wanted.
- When I just need to cry or fret he holds me close and tucks my head under his protective wing.
- He can be hysterically and obnoxiously goofy and silly but I suspect its just to put a smile on my face, (I have the world's worst natural frown.)
- He's not afraid to push me against the truck and kiss me before we walk in somewhere and leave me walking in behind him clearly flustered.
- He's not afraid to stand up and stake his territory when some drunk idiot oversteps their boundaries.
- He even finds it in his generous heart to share his farts with me, (mind you I could do without these...)
- He rubs my back when I'm in the worst pain but, even when I'm not in pain he soothes me.
- Sometimes he randomly brings me home candy and/or rootbeer because he knows that's the way to my heart.
- He knows I don't get to experience the freedom of riding my horse anymore, so he has taken me on a many of rides on his bike, so that my soul may fly unhindered from the world for just a little bit, so that we may feel free together.
- I know when he steps in the door from a long tiring day at work, I'll see that look in his eyes that I slowly watched grow into a silent "I love you"
And if that may be the case, I sincerely do not apologize because, those words fail him, I've only scratched the surface.
But I wanted you all to know so that when you ask me what changed, why my is hair long and shiny again, why my nail beds are healthy and flush, why my eyes are no longer consumed with dark haunting circles of death, why despite having not changed numbers on the scale I now look a healthier weight, and why just simply why I look like Kayla again, now you know. It is said a woman is a reflection of her man. She may have the power to control her happiness but when someone she has mistaken as her soulmate rears their ugly head, its hard to get away. However, when she finally breaks free and finds her way back to herself and finds the one and only true half to her soul, the world has no choice but to lay down at her feet.
My dear I wanted you to know I love you and I hope that I can and will be the many many empowering and loving things you are to me.
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