Tuesday, October 20, 2015

How "Modern" Wives Train Their Husbands

  Who all here has a husband in the 21st century? OK, now who all here married in 2008 or later? Congratulations -- you are a "modern" wife, and that's what I'm going to talk about today.
  While I left the ranks of the "modern" wives this last August, I can still relate and thought I'd share:
  Whether you just married or are approaching a five year anniversary you know that being a modern wife isn't easy. In fact, it's not easy being any type of wife, whether you are rich or poor. I'm not saying it's easy being a husband either; we appreciate all of you hardworking men out there! (Wink, wink.) But being a wife in this day and age is especially challenging.

  It's not like 50, 20 or maybe even 10 years ago, where the wife got up early in the morning, made a full breakfast from scratch, dressed, fixed her makeup and was ready to start the day before her husband even thought about opening an eyelid. No, now  modern wives are grouchy, slobbery, puffy-eye creatures who rely on coffee to get us up two hours early so we can piddle around, pour cereal, put on makeup, wake up the hubby, iron clothes, piddle some more and nag at hubby to hurry up before you are both late for work. Then piddle just a wee bit more, get dressed, become distracted looking at the bills, realize you have 5 minutes to fix your hair and eventually end up being dragged out of the door by your husband because you obviously made you both late for work.

  Here's the kicker, he goes to work and you go to work. "Yay, Hunky Dory!" Work! 98 percent of the population does not enjoy their job; fortunately, for those of us that do, good for you, it makes things easier! Aside that, while he's at work, he's just working. That's all his one-track mind can process. But while us women are at work, what all are we processing? You said something out loud reading this didn't you? Bills, money, laundry, dishes, supper, dusting, mopping, sweeping, intimacy, "Dancing With the Stars" or an upcoming doctor appointment? Did I guess it? Yeah, I was a modern wife too. I get it, I really do.

  Seeing the difference between how my grandparents lived and how my parents lived, there is an even bigger difference of how I lived a married life. Modern wives don't sit down and write checks and buy a book of stamps to mail out bills, except for the occasional small town company that won't convert to technology and build a website. You don't cook breakfast, lunch and dinner every single day. No, sometimes it's McDonald's, Sonic and Taco Bell, because it's just easier and cheaper that way. You don't iron every piece of laundry. You may cheat and throw it in the dryer with a wet washcloth. Shoot! Cleaning isn't even the same! Have you seen that Shark contraption that practically sweeps, mops and vacuums all in one go? Now even I want one of those!

  Even your husbands are modern. With faces glued to any screen they can find, they make things difficult to accomplish. When they do finally take notice that we need help in our multitasking lives, we don't say a word when they help with something, even though we will have to go redo what they just did because either OCD takes over or they just straight up screwed it up! It's the thought that counts, right? Yes.

  Being a woman isn't easy, and being a man, well, I don't know if that's easy, but according to their lifestyle, yeah, it's easy compared to us. That's why we women have come up with clever training tools to snap them into shape.

  The couch has always been a longstanding punishment aid, although I do feel sorry for a husband that has to sleep on a modern style couch. Those things are for looks, not comfortability. After the couch punishment though, I doubt he will mess up again!

  Taking out the trash is also useful. This is just a monetary thing that we teach them to do by habit. It keeps them whipped into shape on a daily basis.

  Also, pushing the grocery cart around while you double back through isles you've already been through twice. Occasionally they catch on to this being scatterbrained nonsense, and they sit in one place waiting for you to find whatever it is. But of course in the process, you find six or seven things, and when you look behind you with arms spilling over with items, and you see they aren't there, so you march through the aisles with a huff to your breath and shoot them a "you're on the couch if you do that again" look.

  I'd say the most useful tool in training your modern husband is by annoying him like a 2-year-old the same way he annoys you; however, the trick is making it seem like an innocent mistake! This was my absolute favorite. I would begin by turning all of his clothes inside out. I'd even thought about dunking his toothbrush in the toilet, after he ticked me off one time but, I decided against it. Next I would talk mindlessly about stuff he didn't care about, and make him pay attention. Finally, I'd wait for him to get deeply involved in a TV show and I crawl in his arms and  whine about something. Usually this  would earn me a back rub or he'd hold me and keep me warm until I fell asleep so that I would shut up so he could watch TV. Which is fine, I felt like the real winner at the end of the day. (Note to men reading this: I'm totally kidding, we do none of this on purpose. Right ladies?)

  In all of this, I just wanted to give a nod to all of you modern wives out there. None of you know how you do it. It's not easy and it will continue to get harder in this ever advancing world. What matters though is that you've found the almost perfect modern husband to love, cry, fight and live with for many years to come. At the end of the day, the man you've chosen is the one you have to live with and with that I wish all the happiness and love in the world to young and old modern couples out there!

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