A wise, old doctor once told me," The fear of failure is what causes people to fail." He was speaking to me directly because, at that time I was indeed afraid of failure. That fear was tearing me apart. I couldn't live with myself the way I was, I loved myself but not like I should have. I thought I would never be enough for anyone, much less myself. Growing up (I've still got a lot of that left to do) we all struggle with self image issues, but sometimes those self image issues go deeper than just our skin, they delve into the scary dark caves of our souls. The same caves that hold our regrets, fears and dreams. I was in a dark period of my life because I was letting that fear of failure hold me back. It wasn't until that doctor drove that saying into my head that I realized my potential and what it was I could endeavor to be.
One day that saying clicked, not like "Oh I get it," but, like how to apply it in a literal sense. I stopped caring so much about what people thought of me and started focusing on if I look my best everyday then there is nothing more I can do than just be me and be content with my looks. I stopped being afraid of being told "No Kayla, that's not in your reach," I stopped listening to the voices in my head that said other people were holding me back when in reality it was I hindering myself. I started walking with confidence (not arrogance, there's a difference) and instead of looking at the ground I looked people in the eyes.
It was the elimination of fear that led me to where I am today, and it is still that absence of fear that is pulling me along a path bound for unlimited success. That epiphany of letting go of fear led me to write this:
"The Mirror and I"
Always stopping to examine,
The flaws of who I am,
As in front of the mirror I stand,
Wishing I could be someone else.
Wanting to change the world,
Or maybe even the people around me.
But it's not about others,
When it's my reflection,
Staring back at me.
I always see what lacks,
But never what I've gained.
I fall short of many.
I never seem to attain social standards,
Always falling harder and harder,
Realizing I'll never make parents proud,
Or onlookers of my life confident,
In the choices I make.
Smarts will never be enough to satisfy,
Athletic abilities wont affect their thinking.
Being a leader,
Succeeding for my gender,
Making strides my family couldn't,
Even on my own,
It will never bring praise,
The sort I cry and crave for.
And every time I look,
In the mirror,
Critical reflections,
Are all I will see.
And for the rest of my life,
I will feel this pain.
But I'm beginning to learn,
That when I peer into the mirror,
I have to look past the worst of me.
The past I can't redo,
So why waste time I can make right?
I have to force myself to see,
See the beauty in my imperfection.
Credit myself for coming so far,
When no one else thought I would.
Fight for my belief in me.
Use the mirror for reflection,
Not rejection,
Rejection of who I am.
Let my eyes not find a weakness,
But a strength, One that surpasses the strongest,
Of those surrounding.
Repairing my broken strings,
Physical and mental.
Not letting a moment pass,
When I cry to irony,
About being ugly,
Or for being cursed with stupidity.
Truth is I was the one,
That put such ideas into my mind.
Still people will feed off that weakness,
Of tearing myself down.
I've got to wake up,
Realize the mirror is to help,
Not hinder.
I won't pass by another mirror,
With disappointment.
But rather take a good look,
At myself,
Who I really am,
And smile,
Because I am confident.
No one can ever take that away.
Only me.
With abuse of a simple creation,
Of sand and man.
Stark glass that creates an exact image,
Of those that choose to stand in front,
So simply called,
A mirror.
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